A Faith Journal

I recently read about a 3-year rule in grief. I think, while this rule can be helpful, it is too simplified. The rule is: Year 1, you are processing. Year 2, you are adjusting and Year 3 you are growing. While this can be true, it’s also a lie. Grief and anything that alters your life is not experienced in a 3-year cycle or rotation. Yes, you spend a good bit of time processing in the first year and adjusting and growing in the preceding years. Yet one is not exclusive to the others. This is the image God brought to mind for me as an explanation.

When a seed is placed in the ground, it must recognize that it is in a different place than it previously was. It doesn’t matter if that was in a package or from its original source. It was safely secured in one place, but now it’s in the ground where nothing seems familiar. While the processing of this information is happening, the seed is adjusting to the new surroundings. It’s finding its optimal position for growth. The seed is sensing if and where its needs will be met. Adjusting and pushing its roots to find the nutrients it needs to grow.

We are the seed in this explanation. We are placed in dark places that are unfamiliar and challenging. We must process, adjust and seek ways to help our growth. Yes, there are times where we will sit dormant to process or constantly moving and adjusting for optimal growth. You can guarantee that the growth will be uncomfortable because we are taking up space in a new way.

For me, I’ve been processing, adjusting and growing a lot over the last 17 months. I would say that there have been a lot of uncomfortable adjustments, but God has really been showing me how much I have grown recently. As I was sitting and reflecting on this growth, I got sad because Chris never got to see me like this. I know that he would have been excited for me. Then I felt like he told me that he is so happy to see me becoming the woman he always knew I could be. I’m still sad that I can’t share my growth with him, but therein lies where grief hurts. Love cannot be expressed in the same way as before. It’s there but it looks different.

Life and love may look different now for me, but God is always reminding me that His love is always available and never changing. No matter how uncomfortable the adjustments and growth are, He is there with His endless supply of love to help me push through. This Christmas season, He wants us to remember that He joined us on this earth to also experience the grief and pain we may be feeling right now. Yet the emotion he really wants us to receive from Him is the love that is never-ending. No matter what your Christmas looks like this year, I pray that you feel the love, peace, joy and hope that God has for you.

This is a more recent photo of the pool of Bethesda.

When we are suffering, it is hard to be joyous. Our focus is on ourselves or how to get out of the pain. We start to lose hope usually because we’ve taken our focus off God. However, there are also times when we pray and seek help, but God says not yet. We can struggle to keep our faith in those times. Either way joy is but a glimmer in our hearts then. The next two days we are going to look at examples of this in the Bible. Today we’ll look into when Jesus heals a lame man (John 5:1-15).

When Jesus heals the lame man after 38 years of suffering, the man had lost hope of being healed. He had positioned himself in a place he thought could heal him if he was just fast enough. However, he had no one to help him so he was never fast enough. When Jesus came along and asked the man if he wanted to get well, there is more than the ability to walk that is being offered. During this time, those unable to take care of themselves financially through a trade were given a panhandler career of sorts. It was the responsibility of the community to give those individuals support as they could.

So, when Jesus asked if the man wanted to be well, he was asking the man to change everything about his life that he had known for the last 38 years. That was Jesus offering him hope but also a struggle. He was at least 38 years old and had no real skills that we knew of or family/friends to help him. His life was going to change and never did Jesus say to him that it would be easy. The man quickly did as Jesus asked and joyously walked away from the pool.

I think that from that day forward, the man would face his struggles with a bit more hope because he knew he had ben saved from a hopeless life by God. With that mindset, joy is possible through every struggle.

Today, if you consider yourself a Christian, thank God for saving you from a hopeless life when He sent Jesus as our savior. If you are still questioning life with God in it, reach out to me. I’d love to chat with you.

God,
We thank you for sending Jesus to be our savior. He has saved us from a hopeless life without You in it. We are free to experience joy because our life is changed from our past. Thank you! In Jesus’ name, Amen.

I’m not sure I’ll repost the next post in this series as it states above, but I will eventually share it on my site, at least.

In 2023, when I did this last time, my second post for joy was about pain being the opposite of joy. In some ways that is true but truly whatever robs you of joy is your opposite. Which means just about any emotion, experience or person could be the opposite of joy for you. 

Let me explain through my recent experiences. After Chris passed, I was experiencing every emotion just about daily. Which can really wear on a body. I could go from sobbing, to screaming, to laughing and then crying for joy in a matter of a few hours, sometimes minutes. Over time, the joy part became less evident and anxiety and sadness would creep in more. I spent the first 6 plus months without a job or really any prospects for one. It was a blessing to have that time to grieve but it also gave me a lot of time to overthink and be anxious. I could easily say I was joyful that Chris was now whole and not in pain. I was joyful he is with God and other family members that have gone on before, but joyful for my shattered life, no way. Joy was for Chris alone. 

Over the last 6 months though, I’ve been finding joy again. My job, family, friends, community, and especially God have been showing me, in different ways, how to see the joy in and around us all. For family and friends, joy is found in coming together to share and create memories. This can be sad, scary, happy, or depressing but when we take the time to come together, the joy that God wants us to experience is there for us to take if we are just willing to let the goodness of God shine through the memories. For the community, joy comes when you give freely of yourself to help someone else. Being a part of a community that gives even though they themselves are hurting is a true sign that God is blessing His people with the love and care that they need. Even though it may not seem like it is a lot. Each person’s little bit is more than enough to spread joy abundantly for all involved. God is in every moment, but some moments are easier to see him than others. Those moments, more often than not for me, are found when I seek a quiet moment in His creation. The joy found in those moments are special because they are for you alone.

On a recent hike, I was able to sit in awe of God’s creation as I was on a mountain looking out over the hills and valleys all around me. As I was looking out, I saw a bird soaring high above the trees but also at my eye level. A few times, as the bird flew by, I felt like I could just reach out and touch it. I was so full of joy from this experience that God let me be a part of, but also sadness because I was there alone. Don’t get me wrong, I chose to be alone on this hike. The sadness was because the person I used to share these moments with is gone. Yet I know Chris is happy that I’m still getting out of my comfort zone and moving forward. I wasn’t happy to be on this hike by myself, but I was starting to see that joy was for me as well. No matter what is trying to rob you of joy, find time to connect with God so He can show you the joy He wants for you. If you are struggling to fight your joy robber, find a friend, family member or someone you can trust and let them know. It’s always easier to battle joy robbers when you have someone at your side and able to lean on when the hard times hit.

Welcome to week 3, Joy. When we look at joy, we need to first understand what joy really is. Many of us use the words joy and happiness interchangeably.

First, what is happiness? Britannica.com defines happiness as “a state of emotional well-being that a person experiences.” In other words, it is an emotion that happens based on events or others. Now what is joy? Merriam-Webster.com defines joy as “the emotion evoked by well-being, success or good fortune.” They do sound very similar but let’s find an example that could explain the differences between them.

It’s Christmas morning and you get a gift that you have been wanting. It’s the perfect moment of spending time with family and getting a desired gift. You are very happy at this moment. Years later, you are alone on Christmas morning. You don’t receive any gift, but you are joyful. You are sad that this Christmas is different, but you are choosing to be joyful for all the previous Christmas moments both good and bad.

So, when you break it down simply, happiness is an emotion you experience without a lot of effort and joy is an emotion you choose to experience no matter what is happening. Joy is, in my opinion, easier to come across when we have a relationship with God. Then joy can be experienced because you know what you are going through is only temporary and the end result will be worth any ups and downs we are undergoing.

Today, ask God to give you happy moments to help fuel the joyful moments of our future.

Heavenly Father,
Happiness comes and goes. Our relationship with you is constant, whether we are actively seeking you or not. So, it makes it easier for us to choose joy with you by our side. We are choosing today to be joyful for all our ups and downs because we know you are using them for our good. We will rejoice in you always through the ups and downs. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Another repost from 2023. While everything still holds true, I think some music has the ability to create multiple emotions, sometimes all at once. There are days that a song will cause me to fondly look back at a memory and smile, but the same song the next time I hear it could cause sadness. Music evockes the emotions that we physically, emotionally and spiritually need to express in that moment. When we are able to express our pent up emotions, peace can be felt. It doesn’t always make sense but you can almost guarantee a lighter mood after a good release of emotions.

The phrase “music soothes the savage beast” is true. Studies have found, and I’m sure many parents everywhere would agree, that singing to a baby soothes them better than talking to them. This is true for many of us. Listening to music helps us process our feelings. For example,  for some people, listening to rock or metal music calms their anger. For others, including me, it makes them angry.

Music has long been used to express our emotions. The book of Psalms is a good example of people expressing their emotions through poetry and songs (Psalms 57:7,135:3, 61:1) . There is just something about finding a song that speaks to how you are feeling. When our words fail us, music can release emotions and give us peace. It can also be used as a prayer when we struggle to talk to God.

It is because music has such a way of connecting to our hearts and minds, that we need to be careful of what we listen to frequently. For example, when I listen to music or videos that contain a lot of curse words, my filter relaxes a bit. I’ve noticed that with more curse words and less of a filter, I start cussing more. I don’t think cussing is necessarily bad, but it can get excessive and lose its significance. When I notice I’m cussing more, other filters or boundaries are lowered, and I can start down a path to anger and/or depression. For others this may not be the case, but we each must be aware of our boundaries in music and life.

I pray you find music that gives you peace and a way to speak to God. He gave us music as a gift to do so. Be sure to thank Him for music and the power it has over our emotions. By the way, Christmas music is part of the reason this time of year can feel so magical. The songs all bring to mind memories of the past, which add a tint of nostalgia to everything we do throughout the season. So, when listening to music with others this Christmas, help them be able to experience good memories the next time they hear the song.

Lord,
Thank you for giving us many ways to express to you how we are feeling, especially music. As we listen to all the Christmas music this season, help us remember all the good times from our pasts and show us how much we have grown since then. When we are feeling the stress of the season, place a song in our hearts or mind to relax us and give us peace. In Jesus’ name we pray, Amen.

P.S. Google how music can make peace possible (music and peace). There is too much out there to add to these posts. Just a quick summary though is that when people connect with music, they see the humanity of those they share a connection with musically (national anthems for instance).

With the news full of shootings, wars, high cost of living and so much negativity, peace seems impossible. Good thing we follow a God who specializes in the impossible. All throughout the Bible, war is discussed and experienced. Every person in the Bible had multiple times of troubles. However, every time we see that God was with them in their trials. They may have gotten hurt, lost everything, imprisoned,  made a slave, or any number of other trials, but He never left their side.

We can look at all the shootings over the last few years and question God about why He let them happen or why He let so many innocent lives be lost. However, we will never get a satisfying answer this side of heaven. We just need to trust that His ways are better than ours.

The best way to find peace during these negative, painful times is to focus on the good. Find a song that helps you praise God and sing it repeatedly. Look at David, He had a lot of ups and downs, but he wrote poetry and songs to praise God through it all. Psalms 22 is a good example of praising God through struggle.

Find time today to praise God through your storm and let Him show you He is there with you, always. Here is a song that could help if you need one.

Lord,
We feel so much unrest with all that is going on in the world. It can be easy to focus on all the negative and feel overwhelmed with it all. I’m choosing to praise You today in the storms of life. Thank you for always being by my side. Give us all the peace we are seeking through this holiday season. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

It’s odd how this 2nd Christmas without Chris has felt harder than the 1st. I would guess because the numbness that covered the 1st year has been loosening its grip on my head and heart. Don’t get me wrong, emotions and numbness are constants in grief and you never know which are going to be taking the wheel from moment to moment. Yet last Christmas, I would say numbness had the most control of me. I checked boxes, acted like my world was not completely upside down, and fooled myself that I could handle everything that comes with grief. This year though I have a different perspective. There’s no way you can handle everything grief throws at you, especially on your own. I’ve noticed that the new perspective I have on life is because my fixed balance point, Chris, is no longer fixed in my life. I tend to waver around now trying to find my new balance point. The checked boxes are important but not at the expense of my peace.
So when I asked God what he wanted me to do today, I was expecting to hear God say something about going to church or reading my Bible. Yet instead I heard go home and watch a Christmas movie. If that’s what you want God, but I’m not really feeling festive. As I was driving home, I decided to turn on the Christmas music channel to try to get in the right mood to watch a Christmas movie. I ended up just scanning through the channels and only pausing long enough to hear a few chords of the song playing. I got a taste of Christmas and I was not liking it.
When I got home and eventually turned on the TV, I didn’t have to search for a movie. It turned on right at the end of one and the beginning of another one. So I just left it there. The two main characters were writers with one also being an illustrator. Already I felt God was using the movie to speak to me. What was the message going to be though?
It didn’t take long to know what God wanted me to hear. You have to immerse yourself in the topic you want to study or write about. After hearing that, I didn’t pay much more attention to the movie. What is it that I need to immerse myself in? Faith? Christmas? Peace? This week, I guess it would be peace.
I got to thinking about Christmas’ past and the peace that came with them. Being around family and friends and sharing all the love and laughter we could handle (and then maybe a little more). So I spent the rest of the night peacefully enjoying the Christmas season. I didn’t check any boxes, act like everything was good or feel alone. God was reminding me that peace as He supplies it is simple and profound. No need for fluffing it to make it feel like something it’s not. I highly recommend finding a moment to sit in the peace that God wants to gift you this Christmas. It is worth the time and effort it may take to experience that peace, I promise.
Merry Christmas!

Some of you may have noticed that I didn’t post an Advent blog post yesterday. That was not intentional. I had planned to write something or at least repost something from 2023. Yet when I went to post something, I fell asleep. Actually I slept for several hours, woke up and thought about posting something again. And fell asleep again. When I woke up this morning, I was angry at myself for not posting and keeping up with the series. As the day has gone on though, I realized that was the peace that I needed last night.

It’s easy to say you want a peaceful Christmas season, but then try to check all the boxes for Christmas traditions. By trying to do all the traditions, our calendars get fuller and fuller. A full calendar, for me at least, is anything but peaceful. It’s actually overwhelming and stressful. The more I try to do, the less Christmas spirit I tend to have. The exact opposite of what I’m striving to do.

Last night God was reminding me that to model peace, you have to be still and accept the peace He has. I was trying to force the writing and God would not allow it. He instead forced me to accept His peace via sleep. Yeah, I was angry that I didn’t post, but I felt better about the day I had today. I was able to see God’s hand throughout the day and by association, the last few months. Had I tried to force the post, I would have been doing the equivalent of cramming my calendar full of Christmas traditions and expecting not to be overwhelmed or stressed out.

If you are truly trying to have a more peaceful Christmas season, you need to find time to be still. Sit and listen for God and how He wants to give you peace. It may be He wants to give you that list of Christmas traditions for your peace, but by being still first you will likely see God’s plans and hands in your Christmas traditions.

Close your eyes, have a conversation with God, and see what peace he brings. It could be a good night sleep, plans for Christmas traditions or something that you had hoped to hear from Him long ago. Just find the time to sit quietly and listen. He wants you to experience the peace that surpasses understanding this Christmas and every day afterwards.

May the Prince of Peace bless you with a Merry and Peaceful Christmas this year!

I’ve been trying to come up with something to write for today, but I was getting nothing. I decided to just post one from 2023. When I opened up the post, I knew God was using my past self to teach/preach to my current self. I see the ignorance in my past self about grief, but truly it is good advice that I’ve not been taking. Thanks God for the reminder. Your peace is not as we typically see it as but can be found in our communities as we grieve.

Yesterday we looked at what biblical peace is, wholeness. Many of us don’t feel whole, during this time of year especially. Family is not close, or we’ve lost a family member recently and this season highlights those losses. There are several other reasons why we might not feel whole, but they all result in a chaotic season. God wants us to feel whole, but we can’t do it alone. We need community to achieve this, which may seem odd, since opening ourselves to others may bring tension to our comfort level. In other words, peace feels less likely when others are involved. However, with the right people, peace is possible. James 5:16 says, “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.” To pray for each other, we must first be in community with others.

Here are a few examples of where community can be found:
1.   This should probably be obvious, but ask God to lead you to the correct people to help you,
2.   Family and friends (they already know you and want to know how you are feeling),
3.   A counselor or group that has experience with your situation (a church group, therapy group, AA, etc.).

I’ve found that when we let others know how we feel, typically they are experiencing or have experienced something similar. Also, instead of trying to ignore the missing loved ones during this time, you can feel more at peace when you talk about some fond memeories you had with them, do something they would enjoy or find some way to include their memory in the season. It will be emotional but can also be healing.

Lord,
We seek Your peace this Christmas season. We have hurts that get highlighted during the holidays and we really want to have healing in those areas. Bring the correct people into our lives that can pray with us and help us heal during this Christmas season. It’s in Jesus’ name we pray, Amen.

When most of us think of peace, it is a lack of conflict or disturbances. However, peace in the Bible has a deeper meaning. The Hebrew term Sar Shalom means Prince of Peace in English. Prince of Peace is one of God’s many names. So, when we look at Shalom or biblical peace, we see that it does mean lack of conflict, but it also means whole or complete. When we seek peace, we are seeking wholeness. To put it in more visual terms, think about your life as a wall. At some point in your life, cracks start to appear in your wall. We have cracks of fear for our children or parents. Cracks of worry for our health or finances. Cracks of anxiety for our worth or abilities. Cracks of untrust in our relationships, including the one we have with God. Over time those cracks multiply and grow larger to the point where we don’t know how the wall can stay up on its own, and we are not strong enough to hold it up on our own. We then fall to our knees and pray for God’s strength and peace. When He provides the peace we seek, the Holy Spirit fills in those cracks to make us whole again. For some reason, we almost always forget that the cracks are being held together by the Holy Spirit and fight Him to take back control of our lives. It never fails though that we must pray for God’s strength again, eventually. I’m not sure why we continue this dance with God off and on throughout our lives, but we do. We get stronger in some of those broken areas, but we are never complete without God in our lives.

Just think, if God had not sent Jesus to live among us, we would’ve never had the Holy Spirit available to us and we would not be the complete individuals that God created us to be. The chaos that we normally feel during this time of year could just be one of our moments of trying to be in control of our walls. Yet I’m already noticing this year, as I am focusing more on hearing from God, those cracks in my wall don’t seem to be as big or concerning to me. God and I are dancing harmoniously this season, instead of in a dance battle where I undoubtedly lose every time.

(Update…while I’m not fully trying to control my wall, I am finding that I am fixating on certain cracks and wondering if I can trust the structure. I know, not trusting God with those cracks is silly, but who among us hasn’t done it themselves before? He never said He would hold our walls completely intact, but that when that part of the wall needs to be removed to move us forward, he will be there with us in the mess. Because sometimes to find peace we have to first work through the chaos. While God and I are not completely harmonious this Christmas, we are not in a dance battle. He’s leading and I’m stepping on his toes from time to time. 😉)

This week, find Shalom in God. Seek Him and He will begin to fill in those cracks to make you whole again. (Or sit with you in the construction zone as the needed repairs happen.)

Sar Shalom,
We seek you today for the wholeness that only you can provide. Our hearts and minds are full of cracks that need your peace to fill. We give our lives and walls to you so that you can complete in us the work that you have planned for us. We are worthy of your peace, and we seek it today, this season, and the rest of our lives. In Jesus’ name we pray, Amen. 

P.S. For a video on Shalom/Peace, check out this Bible Project video.